Author: Mariah's Madness

Life is madness. It's a madness that begs to be shown and dealt with... But it's also something that causes people to struggle. My goal here is to help you fight through that struggle.

Dear 7 year old me…

I saw a post on Facebook the other day asking what I would tell ‘7 year old me’ now…

Well, ten years later, I’m not quite sure. But maybe I have an idea.

See, seven year old me was innocent, creative, bossy, and set in what she wanted to do. She didn’t see the hurt in the world, or the pain, or the evil. She saw (and tried to do) only good.

The seventeen year old me isn’t nearly as innocent. My creativity has turned into an unlimited imagination that can create worlds, and people, and places. I’ve learned that bossy isn’t how to handle every situation, but I’m still sure of what I want to do. I have witnessed the hurt, the evil, the pain. Maybe I’ve even caused some… But I am fighting against it to make the world a better place. I’ve seen and felt things that nobody should have to, and I want to help as many people as I possibly can.

So, what would I say? Here is my letter to my past self:

Dear Seven Year Old Me,

“Age is just a number” is something that we will hear throughout our life, especially as we get closer to eighteen. And it really is, to a point. Age doesn’t define maturity, or when you get your license, or a boyfriend, or when you’ll have that closet full of clothes you want, or a corvette. And that’s exactly what you expected to have at sixteen, or at my age, seventeen. But, age really is just a number.

See, we’ve changed so much from where you are now. I don’t want the short skirts, or the boyfriends, or the expensive car. I have a cell phone and I hate it. And the maturity? Oh hun, I may be responsible, but maturity is out the window for us.

You were so serious for so long that you had no idea how much fun it is to be not serious… To just go out and have fun, to not be a stick in the mud. Yeah, I still have serious moments, but I learned that it’s okay to cut loose and let my hair down.

I remember how you really wanted to be popular, too. But we’re not popular in the future. I have (maybe) four or five friends… But those four or have friends? They are my everything. They’re supportive, fun, easy going… I wouldn’t trade them for the world. As you aged, you realized that you didn’t need seven hundred people to sort of like you, you only wanted a few to love the real you. I live by this.

You have always known how to love, though. Always. I’ve learned how to love everybody by now, but even during your reign, you still loved deeply. And we haven’t changed that yet. God willing, we never will. This loving thing has hurt us, well, me… And it will hurt me again… But we’ve grown. Now I’ve seen the darkness, the evil. And, I’ve taken a stand against it. We are fighting to help people live through another day because we witnessed someone who couldn’t… And that will live with us to the end.

Much to your disappointment, I’m sure, we did go through a self loathing phase. We aren’t quite out of it, either, but we are working on it. You see beauty in yourself, now, and not in everything except you. And that’s amazing.

I still write. I know you did, too, but I still do it. You really started me off on it. And I sti have the creativity. It’s just morphed into a large imagination, where I can create anything I damn well please. We haven’t lost that yet, either. And as long as we keep it, we will always see the beauty in life.

I wish I could have kept more of you with me, though. You always wanted to be older… And, now, I think I know why. You thought you would be unstoppable. And you never were stopable, and we sure as h*ll aren’t now. But we need to work on seizing the day, and going forward no matter how terrified we are. I need to work on that. So in ten years, twenty-seven year old us can look back and say that we bettered ourself. I wish I could have held onto the innocent look on the world… But now, I can help people see the good despite the bad. I’m truly better for it.

I have no idea what the future holds for us, or what God has planned, but we will thrive and go forward with confidence. Not just confidence in God, but confidence in ourself. We’ve got this. We will ways have this. So, here’s to a life time of loving, learning, and laughter, with a side of unstoppable. We’ve got this.

Sincerely,

Us at 17

This is one girl’s madness.

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You. Are. Amazing.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t take a complement. As a general rule, I smile and say “Thank you”, but that’s what I have to do. What I really want to do is argue with them.

You think I’m pretty? Let me tell you why you confused me for a mirror again.

You think I’m awesome? Let me tell you my flaws.

But… When I complement someone else, I make sure they believe that I’m telling the truth, regardless of their argument against it. They need to know that I mean it with everything I’ve got.

You don’t think you’re the best? Listen up, I have prepared a speach.

You think you’re a terrible person? Oh, hun, give this a second thought. How can you be such a terrible person? Look at all the good you’ve done!

It’s an odd line to walk, but it’s one I feel like a lot of us walk. It’s hard to believe someone else when your head is telling you something else… But at some point, you have to tell your head that it’s wrong.

That you are beautiful, kind, smart… All of the good things people tell you that you are, you are. And, to make yourself believe it, you have to say these things to yourself. Say them out loud, in your head, whisper them, scream it to the sky…

It doesn’t matter how you say it, as long as you say it. Because soon you’ll believe it. And that’s what’s important.

Honestly, I scream at the mirror. Well, maybe saying ‘scream’ is a a bit exaggerated, but I at least yell at the mirror. I yell that I am pretty, and smart, and capable, and so much more… Just because I feel that, by yelling at my reflection, I can fight the battle in my head much better. It’s weird, but hey, it works.

Well, that’s one girl’s madness.

Over Thinking Equals Poison

We all look at each other and say:

“Hey, don’t worry about that! You’ll be just fine!”

Or

“Don’t over think it. If it’s meant to be, it will be.”

Am I the only one who can call myself a hypocrite? A hypocrite because I worry and over think these things too?

I mean it in the best way, trying to save them from the suffering, but come on! I do the same thing ten times worse than that and then will scoff at you when you tell me not to.

And it’s not just about that one person you’re into. It’s about whether or not your co-workers liked those cookies you made. Or about if your friend is truly upset with you because you mentioned that they could be a bit nicer- now they won’t talk to you. Or what exactly your sister meant by her comment just before bed.

But please, don’t worry about it, they all say. I do and will until I understand exactly what happened. And I feel like lots of you are the same way.

The only advice I can give you is to not let it rule your life. That makes a total mess. Just…. Try and focus on the good things. Sometimes, that’s all you can do.

This is one girls Madness.