Part of My Story

Trigger Warning.

Do Not Read if sensitive to depression and/or mentions of suicide.

As I sit here struggle a bit tonight, all I can think of is how certain people in my life would tell me how I’m exaggerating, making a big deal out of things, or even trying to get attention.

And maybe I am.

But, sadly, ignoring my problems only make them worse. I have to talk about it or else I get worse. So, here’s part of my story.

May 2016 I lost two people to suicide. I remember the day I found out. Honestly, I remember doing that thing they do in the movies. Ya know, the one where the main character hears something tragic, but blocks out the next (and just as important) piece of information. I did that… My family and I went to say our goodbyes, and I could tell you the exact spot on our way home where I changed.

At that time, I thought it was for the worst, but it wasn’t.

For the next eight months, (at least), I thought I was fine. I would tell you I was fine. However, I was crying all day, crying myself to sleep… Everything but fine. I didn’t tell anyone, either. The four months after that, I still cried a lot, just a little less than the prior eight months.

October 2017 I started watching Supernatural. Yes, that very popular TV show staring Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles, and Misha Collins. I was almost seventeen.

I immediately connected myself with Dean Winchester. The first time I have ever felt so connected to a character. Dean just spoke to me on a level that no other character had ever reached. With no idea, I just pushed the thought to the back of my mind.

March of this year, 2018, a friend from my past came into my present. Said friend had been known to play with my emotions, and I talked with my mother about it. She said I had been off for a while, at least a week or two.

So, I made myself pay attention to my actions for the rest of the day. I wasn’t eating, I was sleeping way too much, and I was beyond moody.

Not too long after that, I was on my pinterest scrolling through my main feed. Yes, just my main feed–I hadn’t searched anything. Up pops a quote from an interview Jared Padalecki did about his Always Keep Fighting Campaign.

I had never heard of it before, so I looked into it some more. As it turns out, it was about Jared and his fight with depression (Jared, please forgive me for talking about it if that’s something you don’t appreciate…). But because Jared started talking about his fight, I figured that, even though I, too, have loving family and friends, and a generally happy life, I could struggle with depression.

After a quick Google search, and some real help, I do struggle with depression. It’s a bit odd, really. I never thought I could, but I could and do.

So, Jared Padalecki, if you’re reading this (which is so so doubtful), I hope you not only don’t mind part of my story, but don’t mind the fact that you’re a huge part of it. Thank you so much… Honestly, bless you.

Thank you to everyone who has, and will, stick by my side. You’re a huge part of why I can open up about this. You’re my support. Thank you.

Saving the best for last, God. I give it all to you. Thank you, Lord.

Now, dear reader, I don’t want you to think of this article as my attempt to share my woes. I don’t want the attention, I loath it. Take from this article to fight for happiness. To keep going even though it’s rough. To realize that depression is a ruthless torturer- she doesn’t take prisoners. You are worth so much, reader. So much. Please remember that I didn’t take the time to write this just for me. I took the time to write this for you.. So you’ll know that you’re worth it. Please remember that for me.

This is one girl’s madness.

You. Are. Amazing.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t take a complement. As a general rule, I smile and say “Thank you”, but that’s what I have to do. What I really want to do is argue with them.

You think I’m pretty? Let me tell you why you confused me for a mirror again.

You think I’m awesome? Let me tell you my flaws.

But… When I complement someone else, I make sure they believe that I’m telling the truth, regardless of their argument against it. They need to know that I mean it with everything I’ve got.

You don’t think you’re the best? Listen up, I have prepared a speach.

You think you’re a terrible person? Oh, hun, give this a second thought. How can you be such a terrible person? Look at all the good you’ve done!

It’s an odd line to walk, but it’s one I feel like a lot of us walk. It’s hard to believe someone else when your head is telling you something else… But at some point, you have to tell your head that it’s wrong.

That you are beautiful, kind, smart… All of the good things people tell you that you are, you are. And, to make yourself believe it, you have to say these things to yourself. Say them out loud, in your head, whisper them, scream it to the sky…

It doesn’t matter how you say it, as long as you say it. Because soon you’ll believe it. And that’s what’s important.

Honestly, I scream at the mirror. Well, maybe saying ‘scream’ is a a bit exaggerated, but I at least yell at the mirror. I yell that I am pretty, and smart, and capable, and so much more… Just because I feel that, by yelling at my reflection, I can fight the battle in my head much better. It’s weird, but hey, it works.

Well, that’s one girl’s madness.